So let’s start with a long time no see. I know it’s been a minute, and by a minute, I mean a very LONG, loooonnnggg MINUTE. In full transparency I was going through some things; however, ya girl is back and doing a lot better. Now let’s tackle this next topic: Anxiety. Roll call how many mamas out there struggle with managing anxiety and motherhood? *raises both hands*
Anxiety is such a tricky and complicated thing to describe or even comprehend. I don’t think I completely understand my anxiety and I’ve had it ever since I can remember. I was first diagnosed with anxiety when I was 24. It was my first year of teaching, I was so overwhelmed and overworked, I had a panic attack in the middle of the work day. I had never had a full on panic attack, didn’t even know what was taking place. Long story short, I ended up in the ER and the doctor looked at me and plainly said, I had a panic attack. Of course I thought this was absurd, because panic attacks are a result of anxiety which I don’t have. Right? RIIIIIGGHHHHTTT *rolls eyes*
Having anxiety makes life tricky, having anxiety and pairing it with motherhood. Whew chile, tricky doesn’t begin to describe it. I would like to take this time to quote my good friend Max the dog from Secret Life of Pets 2. “I mean I worry a little, sure. But it’s a dangerous world. You’d be crazy not to worry.” When he said this line in the movie it resonated with me. I was like yeah “Max you’re right, these are sound words”
So picture this an already anxious person decides that motherhood would be a great idea, nothing to worry about. NO. BIG. DEAL right? WRONG! Motherhood has my anxiety stays on 1,000. I mean Sophina could slightly breathe weirdly in my direction and I’m anxious. I say in my head “Clearly there is something terribly wrong. Like if there wasn’t anything wrong why would she breathe like that?” She’s in distress check the child?!” Before I know it I am spirling down a rabbit hole of intense worry, just because she decided to to take too many breaths.
While we are on the subject of intense internal mom worry meltdowns, let’s go on the “when Soph gets sick journey” this one, this one guys is SO. MUCH. FUN. Let me set the stage. . .
This past Monday, Soph asked to watch her iPad after homework time. I say yes set her timer and proceed to start dinner. I noticed some significant time has passed and I haven’t heard a sound from her. You know the type of quiet that makes you concerned. I call her name a few times, she doesn’t answer, slightly concerned I go into her room and find her sleep. I think to myself “Great now she’s gonna have an attitude if I make her wake up to eat and get in the bath.” I, then proceed to take her head phones off and notice she’s warm. My first thought, don’t panic it’s nothing. Why would I, ME! Sasha K tell myself not to panic? Because you know saying not to panic works. Right?! Again WRONG?! After I told myself not to panic what did I do? You guessed it; I. PANICKED, the real kind. I start to freak out, because I forgot where the thermometer was, I couldn’t think clearly enough to even remember when was the last time I used it. After what I felt was like a million minutes, it was literally 2, I found the thermometer and check her temperature. My internal dialogue went a little like this. . .
Me: Ok, no big deal she doesn’t have a fever
Me: Oh shit it says 101.6, so she has a fever. Ok, now I have to call out for tomorrow and text her teacher to let her know she’s sick. I need to find the Tylenol. Do you have Motrin too? I have to wake her up to give her medication? Am I a bad mom, if I wake her up? I need to wake her up to give her Tylenol. What temperature is the cut off before I take her to the ER? I should just go to the ER. No, that’s crazy they will just send you home. You got this, you know what you’re doing. Ok, cool. Wait, no you should just call your mom. Double check make sure this is correct. When in doubt call Mom.
I finally got myself together, gave her the first dose of medication and was calm for the time being. I said that because I haven’t slept well this whole week. I was worried that her fever would spike too high in her sleep. Then, sat and went over everything I was supposed to do for treating a fever, and second guessed myself every night this fever lasted. She ended up having a fever that lasted from Monday night to Friday. Which of course stressed me because I knew I was doing everything right, but nothing was working. I AM STRESSED!
Needless to say I don’t need any help with being anxious, that is my constant state. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough, that I’m doing too much. I’m doing this motherhood thing all wrong. Am I being a helicopter mom? Am I being too strict? Am I doing anything right? The list literally can go on until the end of time. However, through therapy, and anti anxiety medication, I have been learning how to cope and manage my anxiety a little better than what I was doing before (which was the bare minimum, if not zero effort). In part 2, we are gonna talk about ways I help myself manage the times where anxiety and motherhood clash.
Until next time Loves,