Why I Don’t and Won’t Publicly Bad Mouth My Child’s Father & Tips on How to Live a Unbothered Motherhood

*grabs mic* BECAUSE I THINK IT’S STUPID! Thank you for coming to my TED talk *drops mic* Ok, being serious, I don’t like it and I don’t really see the purpose. Since Soph’s been about a year and a half and literally up until like 2 weeks ago; I get this outrage when I shrug at the fact when people ask why I’m not mad Soph’s father isn’t involved. “Why aren’t you mad?” “Why aren’t you making him be involved?” Blah blah blah. I get asked all the possible WH questions about this constantly. To which I always answer, “What the point?” Don’t get me wrong, it’s slightly annoying, however anger isn’t the emotion I experience at this point in time. SUUURRREEEE, at the very beginning it made me angry but I quickly got over that because again, what is the point? I’m gonna say it louder for the people in the back [insert the yelling emoji] WHAT. IS. THE. POINT?!?! Here’s the thing, I’m not one to waste energy on something I know isn’t worth it. Early in my pregnancy there were signs that him being involved wasn’t going to happen and then he took actions post birth to not be involved. I decided that I could do 1 of 2 things – Spend my life trying to make a GROWN ASS ADULT do what he is supposed to do OR make sure I did was I was supposed to do when it came to raising my child. I, of course, chose the latter.

Now, why I chose the latter was for my own sanity. I knew that being worried about what another adult was doing wasn’t going to be a good look for me. Which means when I’m not my best self I’m not the best mom. Also let me tell you, the why my anxiety is set up, I really didn’t need another thing I couldn’t control controlling me. So, the day my beautiful daughter graced this earth, I decided that I would not try to beg and plead for him to be involved. Soph was here and on time, from that point on it was up to him to be involved. He is making the daily choice for now almost 5 years now not to be involved. So, we live our lives.

Soph’s dad is pretty popular if you are in a “certain crowd” let’s just say, but NOPE I sure won’t go and blast him on social media because who has the time?! It would take the time I don’t have, and energy I could be putting some where else. Again, I also don’t see the point. I can’t make someone do anything they don’t want to do. To be honest the only person I can make do things is myself. Also if you thinking about it, him being involved for Soph’s sake is counter productive. Would you honestly want someone who doesn’t want to be around your kid around your kid? That’s unhealthy, especially because Soph has so many other people who want to be around her. Other relationships she has that communicate love in the proper manner. Another reason why I don’t care to blast him on social media is because instead of people seeing the ACTUAL ISSUE ( i.e being an absentee father) they are only going to see me as the “bitter baby mama” – (again things I don’t have time for). Do I think he should contribute to her life? Absolutely! Do I think that I. ME. SASHA. should be responsible for making him do so? NOPE, sure don’t. The government can, and when they do, they do, but it’s not my ministry. Another reason is, I want to show Soph how to handle situations in the appropriate manner. I can’t do something opposite of what I want to teacher her. Sometimes being outspoken and speaking your truth loudly is necessary – I don’t feel like this is the situation. So I go about my business quietly and live my best life loudly.

I know I know, the SOpH nEedS hEr FaThEr argument, let’s stop right there. I don’t subscribe to the line of thinking that children are only well adjusted when coming from a two-parent heterosexual household. One, it’s not true, and two, it’s not true. So let’s move past that because I won’t argue about it. The end. Glad we could have that talk. Also, Soph has another parent that has been actively involved in her life since she was two, so she’s good. Soph is also, surrounded by many people who love her and pour into her on a daily basis. Her tribe has her so encapsulated in love that she doesn’t know anything else. On top of the fact that we have very honest conversations about families and how there are many types of families. In other words “WE GOOD OVER HERE.”

Since we have addressed the elephant in the room let’s talk how I live such an unbothered and carefree motherhood.

  1. I mind my business: I literally can’t be bothered about what anyone else is doing. Soph and I live our best lives when we are only concerned about us (and Maddy).
  2. People in defense of him are just that: People defending him defend him because they know him and not the whole story. I can’t fault them for that, friends ride for you so I get it.
  3. I have a tribe: I have so many people who have been there from the beginning and have watched everything unfold. It’s the people like my best friends: Lauren, Robbie, Treesia, Simone (my tribe is deep and great) to name a few and my gf Esh that keep me grounded and sane. And just when I feel like I want to risk it all and air it all out on the internet. They pull me back in and I’m back to normal
  4. I let it go: I had to let it go, give it to God and all that jazz. Yes it sounds so clichê, but I really had to leave it alone. It sucks he doesn’t want to be involved because Soph is one dope ass kid. I was just telling Esh today that if you want to see a human representation of God’s love and grace talk to Soph. She’s in no way perfect but Soph is more than I think I deserve sometimes. So he’s missing out on all of the Soph goodness, which is his loss. Oh well.

Now, all of this didn’t happen over night. However, I have always decided that I don’t want take to communicating with Soph’s dad over social media. I have settled in the land of the unbothered it’s nice here and it has the gluten free cookies and wine that I like. AND TO BE CLEAR!!!! this isn’t a post to sneak diss him. I’m just telling it like it is. Say what you will, think what you like, but at the end of the day Soph and I continue to be good in the semi-shadows and I would like to keep it that way.

Until next time loves,

Sasha

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