Today we are going to start with a quote from the great Britney Spears “You’re toxic I’m slippin’ under, with a taste of poison paradise, I’m addicted to you, Don’t you know that you’re toxic” *body rolls over and over*
So let’s talk about toxic behaviors and why we LOVE TO LOVE them so much. I’m talking about the silent ones that sneak up on us, the toxic behaviors we engage in all by our lonesome. The ones that don’t need another party for the turmoil to burn the midnight oil. The ones that we walk in day in and day out independently. Now your own personal behaviors can be a myriad of things – a cornucopia of nonsense and stress that we roll in while throwing caution to the wind. Meanwhile our mental and emotional state are in distress.
A few weeks ago I was talking to my therapist (shoutout to AT) and I was venting about Alllllllllll the things I have to do around the house, at work and I AM TIRED! So, as I rattled off my list and frustrations, she literally stopped me and responded “So why do you do this, if it makes you unhappy? Is there something you’re getting out of being out being exhausted?… Because you keep doing it. So what do you get from all of this?” My first thought was; Well excuse the whole heck outta me *acts fake appalled*. My second thought then statement was “I don’t know?” Needless to say that became my homework. LET ME TELL YA’LL it took me all of maybe 2 hours to come up with answer. I have always known why I cling to my toxic behaviors like a security blanket. I love nothing more than running myself into the ground. Y’all this is a safe space so I’m just gonna be completely truthful I’m gonna admit that although I do not enjoy doing everything, I actually like it. I like the gratification I get in being supermom, it makes me feel accomplished. As if I don’t have other accomplishments I can hang my hat on, I consistently stick to running myself into the ground to feel better about myself. I love talking about how exhausted I am, and all the things I have to accomplish. It’s a badge of honor.
As the eldest child, I’ve always been the one to take charge. If it needed to be done I’m the one to do it. Never mind it wasn’t my responsiblity, I took it on because it made me feel safe. Fast forward to adulthood, and me never asking for help. Who cares if I feel like I’m going to explode because I’m tired and irritable. Asking for help isn’t an option. And not because I’m not surrounded by a wonderul support system, but because my doing everything is what I need to feel like myself. If I ask for help then I’m less of mom, not as super as the rest. So I trek on in this hot mess of craziness because I can’t let go. If you find yourself doing these things, I’m here to say, baby girl we gotta stop this now. It’s ok for us to stop and say FTS, I need help. I’m tired or I just don’t feel like doing this right now. Being a supermom is great, but there are times we have to hang our capes in the closet and be still, or give the cape to someone else. Maybe your security blanket of toxic behavior is something else. Whatever it is, I’m here to say that you are more than the exhausting toxic behavior you cling to. You are allowed to let it go and be free of the years of self sabotage you hold dear. As fun as toxic routines are, I’m sure there is more fun in being open, truthful and non-toxic. Listen, God is not done with me yet, but I now see the light. It’s time for me to let go of trying to do everything and allow for people to help me in whatever ways they can. Also, allowing myself to see myself through a different lens, being gracious, kind and compassionate to myself and not allowing past mindsets to dictate how I see myself now and in the future. It’s time to drop the security blanket. Until next time loves.