*taps mic* Is this thing on?. . .Ok so more like “Aye Sasha you good? Where have you been?” The long and the short is I needed to take a breather. I needed to take a breath and decompress from grad school. I also needed to just enjoy having free time and being able to have a good time. So now that that’s outta way, lets talk about motherhood. But not the motherhood of our mothers but the motherhood of today.
Let me start by saying this, what you are about to read is my take and view of motherhood. Some of you may agree, some of you my judge me. Either way, it’s fine with me. I love motherhood, it has changed my life for the better but you know sometimes its bullshit. There’s all this love, hugs, kisses and laughs. Soph turned 4 and all she wants to do is give hugs and kisses. But then, OH BUT THEN! there’s too much to do and not a enough time. Not to mention the mom guilt I constantly feel. Especially looking at other moms on social media that are like “I got up and made star cut out sandwiches and wrote a personalized note for lunches, went to work, came home and made dinner from scratch, gave my kids a bath. read 5 stories, sang a special song, gave 20 hugs and 15 kisses all before 8:30.” I’m over here like “Soph got a lunchable and Mandarin oranges that I threw in her lunch bag, as I was putting on one shoe and trying to lock the front door at the same time. I came home from work and heated up leftovers, got through one 10 page story and still managed to be 30 minutes past bedtime, but you know killing it.” I started to notice that there is this overwhelming feeling of not measuring up to “other moms”. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way.
For the past few months I been I have been feeling like a failure when it comes to being a mom. My days are filled with thoughts of “look at you barely making it.” I feel like I some how miss the mark of being a good mom. When I feel like this, I always go to my mom to talk things out and hear worthwhile advice. However, just recently I noticed the feedback I was given. I happened to be talking to my mom during one of our daily talks and I was telling her about how tired I was and how I was over everything. Clearly it was a cry for help. My mom’s response was of disbelief, “what do you mean you are over everything, you must mean you are over your job.” Of course my immediate thought was “Girl! I said everything I meant everything.” But instead of me being able to have a transparent moment with my mom I immediately said “well duh” and quickly changed the subject. That conversation got me thinking back to when I was pregnant with Soph and I was getting all the unwanted advice about motherhood. One of the things that stood out to me about pregnancy and motherhood that everyone would say was “oh everything is great! It’s the better than sliced bread!” In the midst of all this unwanted advice no one decided to be real with me. No one told me that I was gonna get annoyed by hearing my name called 5,000 times in 5 minutes for no reason at all. No one told me that some days sucked, that I would be off my game, Soph would be off her game and everything is freaking burning to the ground. All people wanted to talk about was how everything was always roses and butterflies everyday all day long. That low-key annoyed me. Ok to be perfectly honest, it got on my damn nerves. I was skeptical of the “sunshine and rainbows” advice.
Why don’t we have transparent talks as mothers about all the things that come with motherhood? I see people being transparent about so many things, marriage, careers, relationships, but never motherhood. It’s almost as if its taboo to tell someone sometimes motherhood is shitty, it’s amazing and shitty at the same time. *clutches pearls* Why can’t we say “Whew chile this girl is tap dancing on my last nerve” without people looking at us like we have two heads? Where is it written that we can’t have open and honest conversations with each other and new moms about the qualms of motherhood? Why can’t we talk about the days of being overwhelmed in a safe space? Also, what is it about passing judgement on other moms when they attempt to talk about the trials and tribulations of motherhood?
I don’t want the motherhood of the past, where we become martyrs for our families and we suffer in silence. I want the motherhood that I can be honest with my mother, my partner, and friends that today is not a good day, I feel defeated, like I’m drowning in my to-do list, in being overwhelmed. I want the motherhood that is transparent and raw, where I can say I messed up, that I was wrong and ask my child for forgiveness (that’s a whole other topic that needs to be addressed). I want the motherhood where I am not expected to know everything and to walk in grace. Don’t want my mother’s motherhood, I want my own definition of motherhood, where I’m not constantly being critiqued and judged by moms “who’ve done this many times.” Where I can seek advice from whomever I so choose and get transparent and honest advice. Not a stuck up response because I’m having a moment of defeat. I’m ready to have a motherhood that is not my mother’s. Until next loves.